Hearts of rusting steel
by InvisibleBlade
Summary: A libary fix-it fanfiction. Rated M for some dark themes running throughout the story. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC**

**A/N: I'M WARNING YOU, THIS IS FILLED WITH A HELL OF A LOT OF ANGST. THIS MAY SEEM RATHER OOC FOR THE DOCTOR BUT I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT THEY WOULD SHOW THE DOCTOR LIKE THIS ON DOCTOR WHO CONSIDERING IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AIMED AT CHILDREN, BUT I'M JUST A SUCKER FOR ANGST AT THE MOMENT AND WELL THIS JUST SORT OF SCREAMED AT ME. I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY ANYWAY. **

**WARNING: SELF HARM**

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His hearts were like heavy steel within his ribcage, tough on the exterior with a riot of dust and rot rusting in their soft centre. They hardly seemed to beat these days, barley a flutter, on the very verge of imploding into a pile of broken debris from all the bridges he had burned over the years. A jagged hole was sliced out of them, her name fitted perfectly into it, a painful reminder of what he had lost. The normal gush of blood that would race through his metal veins with adrenaline every time he ran from a death defying danger no longer made him feel alive.

Without her he wasn't alive, without her he was just a mad old man rattling around the universe in his blue box that made terrible mistakes. When she had been by his side she had stopped him, pulled him back from his own thick blindness before he could do anything too stupid, she had somehow made him a better person. Now she was gone, he was back to his old treacherous ways. He found himself leaving a bigger trail of death and destruction behind him than he had ever done previously, yet not caring because it was nothing compared to her death. If she had still been by his side she would have been most disappointed in him. She had often told him the only reason she had fallen in love with him in the first place was because of the compassion he showed others and his ability of never giving up on people. Now that she was gone that part of him seemed to have disappeared deep beneath his surface. He wouldn't be at all surprised if he never felt compassion again. Without her compassion seemed a pointless ordeal.

He had to accept the awful truth that the chapter of his life where he had ran with his bespoked psychopath was well and truly over. Oh but how they had ran, never stopping, never faltering. That is until now.

He found himself with yet more ammunition for his nightmares. Every time he closed his eyes he would find himself entrapped in a brutal hell. The most common nightmare he found himself having was about her and an idiot in a long, caramel trench coat, with huge spiked up hair that seemed to have a life of it's own. The idiots eyes filled him with a gut wrenching guilt, the pools of brown held no love for her, just curiosity and a bitter annoyance.

Her sweet, intoxicating voice splurged across his every thought. " Pretty boy." Of course the idiot hadn't paid attention to the nickname the curly haired woman had placed on him, nor had he recognised the affection for him swirling within her golden flecked eyes.

However his nightmares started The Doctor would always know where they were going to end and yet he found himself with no escape. It would end in her death, always her death, an explosion of white light Engulfing her, replacing her with an empty space.

He had quickly learnt that sleep was a curse, one that weighed him down so heavily that he found himself hardly able to breath. He could put on a façade when he's awake but when he's asleep he's as vunerable as a newly born child. He knows that he can't keep his eyes open forever, but he can certainly try.

He looked at himself in the mirror, hating the very sight of the man that's staring back. Huge bags circled beneath his bloodshot eyes from the very lack of sleep. He hasn't eaten for awhile, he should probably go and correct that but he knows that his stomach would only reject food that's placed into it. He rolled up his shirt sleeve, tracing the scars embedded into his skin, some fresh, some fading. He doesn't know why he does it, it doesn't bring her back, it isn't like him at all, it doesn't delete his pain. He closes his eyes and picks up the once silver, now crimson blade and places it over some of the fresher scars. The TARDIS hums to him within his mind, a silent plea for him to stop, but he found himself ignoring her pleas as he always did. For it wasn't just River he's let down, but also her parents who still think their wonderful daughter is travelling the stars alongside him. He's too gutless to tell them he's lost their little girl once again, too scared of them hating him. He brings himself to slice open his pale flesh, an action that had almost become a natural reflex for him. A spiral of orange tinted liquid cascades down the full length of his arm and he cuts deeper still, determined to punish himself for his past foolish actions. As his world starts to blur around him, as it often did these days, he heard a crash from deep within the TARDIS. He stumbled through his bathroom door, clutching at his arm, trying to stay awake. He felt his legs wobble beneath him, each step getting slower and slower, each breath a little raspier than the previous one.

The Doctor felt himself tripping over his own feet before it had even happened. He pulled his weak arms out in front of him to try and cushion his fall but instead of the hard floor he had been expecting they made contact with something soft and warm. He glanced up and gasped, staring in absolute bewilderment at what could only be his mind playing tricks on him. " River." He whispered weakly as unconsciousness finally claimed him as it's prize.

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	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC**

**A/N: A HUGE THANKS GOES TO NAMEI FOR REVIEWING AND TO ANYONE WHO HAS FAVED/ALERTED … YOUR SUPPORT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. THIS CHAPTER SHOULD EXPLAIN SOME DETAILS ABOUT HOW RIVER CAME TO BE ON THE TARDIS IN CHAPTER 1.**

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River let her head fall heavily onto the soft welcoming pillow and stretched out her tensed muscles. She closed her drooping eyelids and a shuddered breath broke out from her ribcage. She curled herself up into a small ball, clutching her knees to her chest in an desperate attempt to receive the comfort that she so badly lacked. She imagined strong arms wrapping around her waist, holding her tightly, never letting go, a small whisper of brown hair tickling her shoulder, and ancient eyes full of kindness watching over her as she slept. She smiled to herself as she remembered the first time her shy, blushing husband had offered to sleep in the same bed with her. He had shifted his body awkwardly around hers, tensing at every slight movement, but eventually he had just let himself melt into her, and ever since then they had curled up together, wrapped in the safety of each others arms. Until now. Now she was alone in the dark, trapped in a virtual world. He had thought that he had saved her but he hadn't. Every second that she was in this make believe world she found another feeling dying inside of her. She missed her old life, the one with the running, the danger, him. It was complete torture, in this world, there were only a few blinking stars, so frustratingly far away. She was not one to look at stars but to touch them, to clasp onto them so tightly that it hurt.

A world without The Doctor was about as riveting as watching paint dry. Her life had become too repetitive, too dull, River hated dull. She even missed the ridiculous hats that he stubbornly put upon his head, despite the fact that they lasted barely a millisecond, thanks to her gun that she always kept handy. Hell if she could find a way back to that impossible man she'd let him take her to the planet of the hats, something he had threatened to do a lot of times. She felt a small lump forming within her throat, tears started to swell within her eyes. Biting hard down her lip she tried not to sob, but to no avail the tears began to flow down her cheeks in their millions. Oh how she missed him. She missed his cheeky grin, his soft and tender kiss, his never-ending pointless rambles. She let out a half hearted laugh as a crystal clear memory played out behind her eyelids. Him, twisting and twirling around the TARDIS console with a jolt of brilliant energy pushing all the wrong buttons so that she in turn she had to correct his mistakes before he blew up the poor, dear TARDIS. She shuddered at the image of the TARDIS, a big, blue, bigger on the inside box, next stop everywhere. She would step through the TARDIS doors and immediately feel at home, a warm hum would welcome her as though the TARDIS was enveloping her in a tight hug, much like a mother held her child after not seeing them for a long time.

It was then that she saw the faces of her parents, staring at her worriedly. Her mothers ginger locks dampening with tears, her father with an arm looped around her comfortingly. Were they even aware that she was no longer alive? Were they once again grieving over the loss of their little girl? Or had they forgotten her along with the rest of the universe? Had The Doctor forgotten her? Had he placed her to the back of his mind just like he had with the rest of his many companions? She rolled over, trying to get comfortable within her covers and exhaled deeply. Why hadn't he warned her about this? In some ways she had known that the period of her life with The Doctor was coming to an end but that didn't make it any less painful. The cold, brown eyes of the man she had met in the library hadn't been her Doctors yet they were the ones that bore into her very soul every night, battering it into a crumpled mess.

She supposed it couldn't have been at all easy for the man that she had left behind. Knowing that this was where his wife was heading, keeping it hidden beneath his surface for the whole of their relationship together. She though back to the last time she had seen him, her Doctor, oh that man. He'd cried, he had been broken, shaking against her in a fit of angst, yet not telling her why. She had held him, his erratic heartbeats thundering against her chest, his forehead pressed closely to her own. He had clasped the metallic form of his sonic screwdriver into her hand and had begged her to take it. It had been in that moment that she realised that she wouldn't be seeing him again. However she had been in denial, telling herself that she would, that The Doctor and her were indestructible. Oh how much further from the truth could she have been?

She clutched her head and groaned as her brain began to throb within her skull. Suddenly she heard a familiar sound, a sound that had haunted her for what seemed like an eternity, the most wonderful sound in the universe, it taunted her with it's ever-growing presence. She felt her skin being pricked by a thousand needles. A pressure surrounded her, twisting around her body, squeezing her painfully. The pressure made her feel physically sick as it played havoc with her internal organs. What the hell was happening? She felt herself falling and with a sickening crack came into contact with something cool and smooth. She winced her eyes open and pushed herself up to her feet. It took her a brief second to realise where she was. She laughed, a beautiful, crazed, slightly maddened laugh. This was either just another one of her dreams where she was back on the TARDIS, travelling the stars with him or …

She swallowed down hard, frantically searching for her husband but there wasn't sight or sound of the man she so dearly loved. She walked to the console and gently brushed her fingers against it's surface. " Be a dear and tell me where he is." She whispered fondly. The TARDIS replied with a harsh, panicked wheeze. Rivers eyes widened, something was wrong. " Where is he?" She questioned. The TARDIS screeched worriedly. River shook her set of curls and scowled in annoyance at the TARDIS's lack of cooperation.

Luckily enough for her she didn't have to wait long to find out where her husband was as she heard loud footsteps closing in on her. A grin spread across her face at the sight of her husband but it soon vanished as she noticed his knees buckling beneath him. She frowned, his back was hunched over and he was clutching his arm with a grimace set firmly within his features. She saw him stumble clumsily and knew that he was on the verge of collapsing. She ran full pelt at him, never had she ran so fast in her life. It was just as well because as soon as she reached him he was in mid fall. She grabbed him and pulled his weak form into her arms. His forest green eyes peeked out from beneath his mop of hair in shock. " River." He rasped her name brokenly. His eyes rolled back into his skull and he began to shake violently within her arms. She stroked his hair soothingly and reached out for the arm he had been clutching. She gasped as he hand came into contact with the red sticky substance seeping through the material of his shirt.

Who had done this to him? She pulled at the sleeve and shifted it up to reveal his pale arm covered in layer after layer of scars. This had been done deliberately, this was all him, he was the one who had inflicted his agony . She placed her quivering lips to his head and felt a single tear roll down her cheek. How could he do such a thing to himself? Why? She suddenly found herself wishing that this was all just a dream, a horrible nightmare that she could escape from. However the cold, frail frame of her husband she was cradling told her that this was no dream.

He was far too thin, his backbone jutted out, roughly rubbing against her thigh. The once muscular arms that had held her time and time again were now thin and weedy and his legs looked hardly worthy of holding his weight up. She had to get help! She didn't know how to stop the seemingly never-ending bleeding and despite how thin he was she highly doubted that she'd be able to carry him on her own. She needed someone with medical knowledge, someone who knew of the Timelords, someone like … her father.

" I'll be back before you know it sweetie. " She murmured into his hair, gently placing his body onto the floor. Reluctantly she walked down the winding stairs and back towards the console, not daring to look back. As she plugged in the coordinates to the little town of Leadworth she couldn't shake the horrendous feeling of this being all her fault.

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	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC**

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT. IT'S JUST I'VE GOT A JOB NOW SO I'M SUPER BUSY WITH THAT AND I GUESS THAT MY DOCTOR WHO OBSESSION HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH SOMETHING ELSE. PRIMEVAL! I'VE WRITTEN ABOUT FOUR PRIMEVAL FICS OVER THE PAST WEEK BUT IN TURN I SEEM TO HAVE NEGLECTED MY OTHER ONES, AND FOR THAT I'M SORRY. I'LL TRY TO UPDATE MORE REGULARLY BUT SOMETIMES IT'S QUITE DIFFICULT TO EVEN REACH MY LAPTOP. SO I HOPE THAT YOU CAN FORGIVE ME IN ADVANCE. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT.**

**IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PRIMEVAL IS THEN YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CHECK IT OUT ON YOU TUBE. IT'S JUST SO DARN AWESOME. **

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Stuffed with Turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing, veg, gravy, and with a ton of alchahol flowing through their veins the Ponds flopped onto their comfy sofa and snuggled up to each other, exchanging huge grins. Amy and Rory were for once in their lives happy and content with what they had. The reason for the maniac grins splayed upon their faces came in the form of the mad, old man that was currently dancing around their living room, throwing his arms up in the air with a bright pink paper hat falling over his eyes. Up until this point the Ponds lives had had a huge gap in them from where The Doctor had been ripped out. It felt good to have him back with them even though it was slightly weird to see him in such a normal situation. There were no aliens, no running, just a normal family dinner and yes it was safe to say that they both truly thought of The Doctor as family. They were his parents in law after all. That wasn't as half an uncomfortable thought as it had been a couple of years ago. She knew that The Doctor loved River with all his hearts and that River loved him back just as equally. Yes, they were just one big, happy family all though they would hardly win awards for being the most conventional family. What with having a son in law that was an alien older than them by more than a thousand years, a daughter that was part alien and Rory who was once a plastic centurion. In fact, Amy was the only normal person.

The Ponds watched in amusement as The Doctor twirled, skipped and danced to and throw, humming Christmas songs as loudly as he possibly could. Perhaps they should have all stopped drinking after the third bottle of wine, but then again where would have been the fun in that. Drunk Doctor was a purely comical sight. They had remembered on the beach of Silencio how The Doctor had spat out the wine, but then it had hit them that the only reason The Doctor hadn't drank it was because it hadn't actually been him. They burst into laughter as The Doctor took a rather wonky step forwards, landing on his face not long after. Rory being the classic nurse immediately began to panic,

" Are you ok Doctor, are you hurt?" Rory's questions were answered by a muffled moan. Both the Ponds let out a silent sigh of relief as the overgrown toddler in a man suit rolled over, beaming dopily up at them.

" This is completely all your fault Amelia Pond." The Doctor was obviously trying to sound as stern as possible but his attempt failed dramatically.

Amy giggled, " How is this my fault? You were the one that insisted we should open the third bottle." She pointed out.

" I most certainly didn't do anything of the sort. " He protested crossly. " Being Sloshed wasn't in my plans at all. Still I wouldn't mind it if River was here. She gets quite frisky after a few glasses," He muttered the last part, clearly still slightly embarrassed of mentioning River in front of them despite his intoxicated state.

Amy arched an eyebrow and watched as her husbands face reddened with anger, " I'd really rather not know about your … antics with my daughter." Rory growled beneath his breath.

" Shushh you." Amy placed a single finger on Rory's lips and shook her head, " They're married now. They can get up to as many antics as they want. "

" I can assure you that I do not get up to antics with your daughter! If anything, it's her who get up to antics with me. " The Doctor half coughed and half hiccupped a reply, glancing shiftily away from them as to not meet their eyes.

" Like I said, I really don't want to know!" Rory spluttered, scrunching his eyes up in utter revulsion of the disturbing images that were currently raiding his mind.

" Oooh! " The Doctor squealed childishly, bolting upwards, " Where is that daughter of yours? Surely she should be here spending Christmas with you? " The Doctor quizzed Amy and Rory.

Amy shrugged, " Last time we saw her was a couple of weeks back. She said she couldn't come because she had some last minute expedition to go on. "

The Doctor cocked his head slightly, curiosity glittering in his eyes, " Expedition? " He asked.

Amy sighed, " I don't know. Some outer space library. Why don't you ask her about it when you see her next?" She said.

Both the Ponds immediately became aware of The Doctors sudden mood swing. His face was frozen in terror, his jaw was open wide, his eyes were practically bulging from his skull.

" Doctor are you ok?" Amy murmured, touching the petrified looking man.

She got no response, he remained completely still. " Doctor, what's wrong mate?" It was Rory's turn to question The Doctors current weird behaviour.

In a fast, blurry motion The Doctor wordlessly rose to his feet and began making his way to the door. He wasn't exactly racing to the door but it could hardly be called a dawdle either, and with one last haunted look thrown back at them, he was gone. Almost as soon as the familiar whirring of the TARDIS engines started up they faded into nothingness. both Amy and Rory shared worried looks, something was terribly wrong.

" What was all that about ?" Rory asked, puzzled.

Amy crinkled her nose slightly, deep in thought and after a few minutes spoke, " I don't know, but I know him, and I know he's hiding something. " She bit her lower lip," I just don't know what …yet."

The Ponds were in such utter bewilderment about their friend that they both jumped out of their skins when the TARDIS engines once again broke the atmosphere, this time from closer by. The both watched in awe as the familiar blue box materialised right ion front of their eyes.

" That was quick." Rory mumbled.

Amy glared at the box suspiciously, " Hmmm." She hummed in an apparent agreement.

Suddenly the doors flew open, causing both Amy and Rory to jump to their feet in fright. They didn't know why but they felt a new found urgency to get inside the magical time machine. Glancing at each other ,and shrugging they both entered the place where they had spent most of their greater years. The first thing they were quite aware of were loud, heart wrenching sobs travelling alongside faint intakes of breath. " We're over here. Hurry!" They were pleasantly surprised to hear their daughters voice but the panic held within it was enough to shatter both of their hearts. As they ventured further into TARDIS they came across the most woeful sight that either had ever come across.

River was crouched over a motionless Doctor, whispering to him, tears flooding her eyes and by The Doctors side was a fast growing pool of blood. Rory was already racing to their side but Amy found herself unable to move, tears rolling down her cheeks to match her daughters own agonised torture.

Meanwhile Rory was knelt over The Doctor, " What's wrong with him River? Why isn't he regenerating? What's happened? " He asked hurriedly.

To answer his first and third question, in one swift movement River lifted The Doctors arm, and revealed the scars that covered the Timelords pale flesh. Rory grabbed his arm and began tracing his fingers of the fresh wounds that were currently pumping blood without mercy.

He'd seen similar scars all too often in his line of work, and that only made it harder for him because he knew how badly it could end.

Rory wasn't concerned with the lack of regeneration anymore. He just had to concentrate on keeping The Doctor alive, and then he'd just have to hope for the best. He hoped that all his years of training as a nurse finally paid off because he dreaded losing the raggedy man all over again.

Never had The Doctor seemed so human.

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**SO I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYED IT. IT'S NOT QUITE AS HEARTBREAKING AS THE TWO PREVIOUS CHAPTERS BUT I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS A NICE WAY TO BRING THE PONDS INTO THE STORY, AND I WANTED TO CONTRAST A HAPPY DOCTOR TO THE CURRENT ONE. PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK SO FAR. **


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER : I don't own **

**A/N: A huge thanks goes to everyone who has reviewed/ alerted/faved. Your support means the world to me.**

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Rory sat, staring at the broken man as an utter feeling of hopelessness curdled within him. It was almost painful to look at him, and as he gently tended to the wounds scratched into The Doctors arms his heart throbbed with sorrow. This wasn't right, this was so completely wrong. The Doctor should be bouncing off the walls in his usually naturally caffeinated state, or bickering with River, or crash landing the TARDIS into a planet habited by carnivorous aliens. He should not be lying in a bed, unconscious, and fighting for his life.

Rory ran his thumb with expert ease across The Doctors wrist and found himself feeling somewhat relived as the pulse beneath the skin began to get steadier and stronger. He'd given him pain medication so at least The Doctor wouldn't be able to feel anything. All he had to do now was hope.

" Will he be ok?" A frightened voice whispered from behind him. He turned around to face his wife and threw her a weak, reassuring smile. At least he hoped it came across as reassuring, " Physically yes." Rory answered, his voice shaking with nerves.

" And mentally?" His wife sniffled, already knowing the answer.

Rory turned his gaze back to the sickly man momentarily before replying, " I just don't know Amy. Things must have gotten pretty bad for him to do this to himself. I just don't know why …" He gulped, rubbing his face tiredly.

" It's all my fault." The answer was so unexpected that all Rory and Amy could do was stare at the person who had spoken ; their daughter.

" He wouldn't even be here if only … if only I hadn't taken his place. I thought that I was saving him. Treasuring the memories yet to come. I should have listened to him. Time could have been re written. Your baby wouldn't have been taken away from you. You wouldn't have met him. You would've lived out normal lives, and he … wouldn't be here. I didn't save him. I sent him to a punishment worse than death. " Tears pooled within her eyes and she slipped to the floor in what the Pond couple could tell was a last act of defeat.

Amy shared a look with her husband and shrugged before crouching down beside their now distraught daughter, " What do you mean River? This isn't your fault. Whatever caused The Doctor to do this, it's not you. I've seen him. He loves you. So don't blame yourself, yeh? " Amy gently took hold of Rivers shoulder.

" No, don't you see mum? It's because he loves me so much that he's done this. " She sobbed, scrunching her fists up in anger. Anger that both Rory and Amy could tell was aimed at herself.

" Don't be ridiculous River. You are not to blame." Amy told her firmly, cupping her cheek.

River shook her head and looked warily up at her parents as though she was holding back a deep dark secret, and was deciding whether to tell them or not, " Mom, dad … " She began, " I died." She stated the latter part of the sentence with a stony expression written into her features.

Rory frowned, " Perhaps all my year as training as a nurse are wrong but you're not dead" He stated.

" Maybe, maybe not. It depends on what your definition of death is. " She whispered.

" I didn't die. Not by normal means anyway. He saved me. " A small smile spread across her face and she let out an almost hysterical laugh, " Saved me. That brilliant, impossible man, saved me. Like a file on a computer, and yet I didn't feel saved. As far as I'm concerned I died that day. I was put in a world with no Doctor, no stars, no adventures. Even now I don't feel alive because even now he's so distant from me. " They watched in horror as she began to physically shake.

Rory leapt to his feet and swooped a protective arm around his daughters waist, " You're ok now though River. You're with us. I don't know how but we'll get through this." He wiped away the tears that had been streaming down his daughters cheeks and looked up at Amy's startled face.

River's eyes clouded over and she nodded feebly, " I know dad. I know." Her voice was nothing more than a thread of her usual feisty self but Rory knew in his heart that that person was still there, hidden beneath her surface. He didn't quite understand how River had died but he didn't like to pry and besides it didn't matter. All that mattered was the now, the here, the present because presently River was alive and in his arms, and that's all he needed to know.

A small pitiful groan alerted all three Pond family members that The Doctor was finally rising from his deep, drug ridden, slumber.

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	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **

**A/N: A huge thanks goes to everyone who have reviewed and to those who have added this story onto their favorites and/or alerts. I still don't have the internet at home so I'm only able to use me college's computers. Sorry if my updates are slow.**

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The first thing The Doctor was aware of was the fact that he was lying in a warm bed underneath a mountain of soft blankets. It was probably the most comfortable he had been in years. The most comfortable he had been since River's sacrifice.

The second thing that hit him was the fact that for the first time in a very long time he wasn't alone. There were at least three distinct patterns of breathing besides his own. There were also voices from nearby. The voices seemed so familiar to him, but yet at the same time they were all completely foreign. He tried to move his head to see who they belonged to but found that his neck barely supported his head. His mind was filled with a thick disconcerting fog, and he felt with a great displeasure, numb.

The third, and quite possibly the most important thing that came to his attention was the fact that hovering above him was a ghost. The usual flutter of his hearts became stronger. They began pounding aggressively against the curved bones forming his ribcage. Panic surged up within him. She couldn't be here. She just couldn't. It defied all logic. She was trapped in a computer core in the library planet, "River, no." He cried in a dry, throaty voice. It was effectively just a mere whisper. It was only now that he realised just how truly weak he felt.

"Shh Sweetie. It's ok. Everything will be just fine." Her voice crashed over him like hot molten lava. He struggled beneath her strong gaze but was unable to escape her piercing greyey – blue eyes. He watched in horror as one single tear slipped from her eye and rolled down the full length of her eyelashes before splashing on his cheek. He shivered at the wet contact, "River what are you … how are you. " He gasped for breath as he felt the pressure he had been holding on his shoulders since her death finally give way. It crushed him, and pulled him under the carnage.

She smiled down at him. It was a weak smile, and he could tell that it was full of sadness. However at the same time she looked relieved. Incredibly relieved, and happy. She ran a hand through his thick, overgrown hair and shook her head, "Save your strength. You'll need it." She whispered.

"But how?" He choked on his words. He found tears of his own starting to form. She was real. He could feel her breath specking against him.

River shook her head. She seemed reluctant to answer him, and going by the fact that she looked as confused as he felt she probably didn't know how to answer him anyway. Instead she just let out a short breathy laugh, "Look at the state you're in. Can't leave you alone for one minute, can I?" she bit her lower lip a little nervously.

"River I've got to check him over now." A male voice said from nearby.

"One more minute dad, please." River pleaded to someone out of The Doctor's line of sight.

"Who's that?" The Doctor questioned warily.

"It's me Doctor." The male voice answered.

Frowning The Doctor asked, "Who's me? "

That's when the owner of the voice decided to make an appearance, "Hello."

The Doctor felt his jaw drop wide open, "Rory I …I." He stammered, and scrunched his eyes shut. Rory was one of two people that he had been trying vigorously to avoid.

"Come on Doctor he isn't that scary." Ah there came the voice belonging to the second person he had been trying his hardest to avoid.

Amelia and Rory Pond. The parents of his wife. His wife who had died. His wife who should still be dead.

He had been too cowardly to tell them, and now they should be extremely angry for him not doing so. They were her parents. They had a right to know about things like that!

Instead he had fallen back on his usual backup plan. He had run. He had run so far, and then he had hidden. Hidden like the true idiot her really was.

"It's ok my love." River's soft voice tickled against his ear drum.

The Doctor highly doubted that. Hearing a dead woman speak was hardly making things 'ok '.

He winced his eyes back open, "Hello Ponds." He greeted them. The greeting was usually full of life, and joy but this time even he could tell that his words were dead, and reluctant.

"How are you feeling?" Amy asked him. She didn't seem angry. She seemed scared, and concerned. It was as though she thought that if she blinked he'd disappear. This meant one of two things. One: She had no idea of what had gone on. Or two: he was in a far worse way than he had originally thought.

"Amelia, I'm fine. " He told her in a far harsher tone of voice than he had intended.

"No Doctor! for once you're really not." She retorted, lightly grabbing hold of his right arm and pulling up his sleeve. He swallowed and looked away in shame, "Why?" She asked him. He huffed, and refused to answer, "It's a simple question raggedy man." She delicately traced her fingers down.

"With a complicated answer Pond." He replied coolly, turning round so he wasn't facing her.

"Mother he's been through a lot. Perhaps we should just let him rest for a while." River suggested.

The Doctor began to panic, "No!" He yelled and grabbed River. He dragged her until she was practically sat on his chest. He tightened his grip on her, "Don't leave." He pleaded.

" I'll be right outside Sweetie. Don't you worry." She kissed him on the head lightly, and just about managed to prise his hands off of her.

The Doctor whimpered slightly as his wife went out of his vision. Amy followed her close behind. That just left Rory the Roman centurion.

" Do you think you can sit up so I can examine you more closely?" He questioned.

The Doctor exhaled, and nodded before using what little strength he had to pull himself into an upright position.

Rory started his work, and pulled out a stethoscope, " This is going to be a little cold." He warned. Placing the metal end on his chest The Doctor hissed. Rory listened to his one heart beating for a while with a small frown embedded in his brow. He was clearly thinking deeply about something, " She was only asking because she cares. We all do. We've known you for so long now Doctor. To see you like this is a little …" Rory seemed to struggle with his words for a while, " Strange." He ended lamely. Moving the end of the stethoscope to the left side of The Doctor's chest he continued, " We can help you. If you let us. We are family. It's what families do. Help each other that is. " The last word drilled into both of The Doctor's hearts. He hadn't had one of those for a very long time. He hadn't even realised that he'd gained one. It was something that had only now crept up on him. It was a nice feeling.

The Doctor chuckled under his breath, " Yes I suppose we are family now aren't we Pond? Though I'm really not sure if I can accept your help. I'm not as easily fixed as a cut or a broken bone you know. I think I'm far beyond repairing. "

" I don't understand though. River seems to think it's all her fault that you've done all this damage to yourself. It isn't, is it?" Rory asked him.

" She thinks it's all her fault." The Doctor mumbled under his breath, losing himself in his thoughts. She shouldn't blame herself. It had been him who had put the blade to his skin not her. Yet it had been the loss of her by his side that had pushed him to do so, " Rory let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a great and almighty warrior who thought himself as God was born. He left his planet in a rustic old type forty TARDIS and ran away. He made mistakes. Tons of them. He interfered in things he shouldn't have. He destroyed whole civilisations without even flinching. Then along came a woman. She was stolen as a baby, and brought up to take down the almighty warrior. She literally stopped time because she had fallen in love with the warrior. Imagine that. All that hatred turned into an unstoppable love. Imagine knowing that because of that love that woman would one day sacrifice herself so you could live. It would drive you insane. It drove the warrior insane anyway. He knew that with each passing second he spent with her she'd be one step closer to her death, and that there was nothing he could do about it. Then when the day came that she left to meet her fate … he went mad. He was nothing without her. He was just a lonely God." The Doctor stopped his monologue to look up at the tear filled Rory, " Now do you understand why I can't be fixed?" He questioned him, " Do you?"

Rory shook his head, " Doctor I understand how much pain you've been in. We all do. But River's alive. She's out there in that corridor. Isn't that good?" Rory questioned him.

The Doctor grinned, " It's brilliant!" He exclaimed with the first bit of joy he had felt in a millenia.

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	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own**

**A/N: A huge thanks goes to all my faithful readers**

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The Doctor, a weary soldier, was still fighting a war, his own war. Inspecting his arm he felt a fistful of emotion bundle up within him. It was a shameful, and weak thing that he had done in his wife's lack of presence in his life. He trailed his fingers along the thick, and plentiful scarring on his arms. It was a sickening sight that terrified the hell out of him.

The usual destructive pattern that had taken hold of his life from his very first breath had taken a turn. It was now himself taking on the wrath of everything dark, and cold within him. The scars would forever remain on his body, until he regenerated, until he died. He wondered how close he had come to death from slitting his wrists with that rusting blade.

What truly scared him was the fact that he had been ready to die. Without the Ponds, and River in his life, things had started slipping out of his control, and now River and the Ponds were back, he didn't know what to do, or how to react.

What did they see him as now?

He had buckled under his own emotional pain, and had done such a classic human thing to do. He had forced more pain onto himself, and had watched as the emotional pain he felt for losing his second family had dwindled away into a big, black box. He had locked all those emotions away, imprisoning them for eternity. Seeing River, Rory and Amy again had opened up that box of terrors, and his mind was struggling to cope with immensity of the whole situation.

River was alive, and her parents seemed to have forgiven him without any protests. That was brilliant! It truly was _ but those emotions that he'd felt with there absence were still there, scratching beneath his surface, uncoiling from the dark areas of his hearts. That pain was still as real as it had been when he has started cutting into his arms, but at the same time, that pain, that torture, that hurt, it all felt so fake. He still felt grief ridden, though he knew that was simply ridiculous. River was waiting outside his room, she wasn't dead to the universe anymore, and yet he still felt as though in a way he had lost her.

He began scratching at his arm, subconsciously at first, but when he noticed what he was doing, he couldn't stop. He scratched at the scars so vigorously the fresher ones began to bleed. He knew that this was wrong, but he couldn't stop this. Part of himself wanted to punish him for all the wrong he has ever done, because surely if that pain within him was there, it was there fro a reason. He had caused the root of his pain.

" Stop." The command was spoken so softly it took him a moment for him to realize someone had spoken in the first place. He jerked his eyes from where he was scratching his arm, and found himself staring at his wife. He swallowed guiltily, and felt himself starting to tear up, "River _I _" His voice was weak from misuse, his throat burning as a ball of hot tears began to form in his throat. He quickly covered his now bleeding scars, " I'm _ I'm sorry." He found, much to his embarrassment, he was now sobbing. He felt so feeble, laid out on a bed, and crying like a child, in front of the woman who he loved none the less.

" Shh Sweetie. " Rivers arms were around him, pulling him against her. He shuddered at the intimate contact of the hug. Her hands were rubbing soothing patterns along his spine, and she was singing. It was a Gallifreyan lullaby that he had taught her on there wedding night. Her voice washed over him, and his tears subsided. He found himself lost in the swirling Gallifreyan words. After a while his body fell slack against her. She ran her delicate fingers through his hair and a placed a kiss upon his forehead, "Better?" She asked him, concern dripping into her voice.

He took a shaky breath, but just about managed to flash a smile at his wife, " You're here. You're really here!" He choked, sniffing her hair, and taking in that fantastic aroma that belonged to River, " For a moment I thought that _" He shook his head, " Never mind. Doesn't matter. Just being silly I suppose."

" Thought that I was what?" River questioned him in that beautifully alluring voice of hers.

" I thought that maybe I'd gone mad. I didn't think it was possible for you to be alive. I saw you die River _ how? _ I mean _ You're amazing. You, River Song, never fail to surprise me." He raised a hand and pulled at one of her springy golden curls, " You really are amazing though River."

River laughed, " I better be." She whispered , crawling by his side on the medical cot.

He looked at her, shock racing through his system, " River, how?" He asked her.

" I've been talking to the TARDIS. " River told him, she looked a little edgy, " She was able to save me from the library core. She won't tell me how she did it, or why. She said that we're not ready to know that yet, and that only when our final battle occurs will we be able to understand. I like to think she's getting sentimental in her old age and was missing me, but I think one of the biggest factors was you." She curled up against him.

" Me?" He asked, completely befuddled.

" She cares about you, you know?" She lifted his arm up, and placed her cool hand over his bleeding cuts," I think she was concerned that you'd do something even more foolish than you were already doing to yourself" River's eyes shined with the promise of tears, " I'm glad she saved me. If I hadn't have come then _ It might have been too late." One tear spilled from her eyes.

" Hey, don't cry. River, look at me. I'm fine." He caught the tear underneath his thumb.

" I heard you talking to dad earlier. You're not fine Doctor. But you had one thing wrong." She looked at him long and hard.

He gulped, " What's that?" He asked her.

" You're not a lonely God, because you're not alone. You've got me, and Rory, and Amy. We're not going anywhere any time soon. I can't promise you everything will get better over night, but my love, what I can promise you is that we're going to help you through it." A few more tears rose within her golden eyes.

His hearts thudded painstakingly loud as she tilted her head, and crashed her lips onto his. After years of being apart he and River had a lot of lost time to make up for. The kiss was just enough to tell him the truth within her words. He was no longer alone.

" Erm, is now a bad time." Rory interrupted, standing in the doorway in an awkward demeanour, blushing, and glancing down at the floor.

The Doctor pulled back and chuckled, " Nope. Come on in Pond." A minute later Amy cautiously crept in too, " Ah, Pond number two, welcome." He grinned a little giddily.

" Doctor _ Your arm_" Rory looked on in shock.

" It's nothing. It'll heal Rory." The Doctor assured the worrying nurse.

The nurse rolled his eyes, and pulled some antibacterial cream and a bandage out of a drawer, before proceeding to dress The Doctor's bleeding arm.

" Thank you Rory." The Doctor smiled appreciatively. Glancing up at the nervous looking Amy, he let out a low sigh, " I'm sorry that I snapped at you." He apologized. It seemed that's all Amy needed to get back to her old, confident self. She rushed forwards and hugged him, almost crushing River in the process.

" Mother." River squeaked.

Amy pulled away, and smirked, " Didn't take you long to start playing tonsil tennis with my daughter mister!" She said playfully, pointing at him, and narrowing her eyes.

" Amelia!" He exclaimed in shock, flabbergasted at use of the primitive term for kissing.

She laughed lightly, " Relax raggedy man, only messing."

Rory was, by now, a deep purple, " It's good to see things are back to being as normal as they ever were." He mumbled.

The Doctor laughed along with the others, though secretly, he was thinking. His thoughts of the past few years travelling alone paraded down on him.

Would things really go back to normal?

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**I'm planning on writing lots of Pond family moments. So if there was anything you would have liked to see on the show that we didn't, let me know, and I'll try and put them into this fic. **


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